Live Blogging - The New Bionic Woman

A little lowbrow perhaps.

Eight minutes in and I'm more intrigued by the cool, pissed-off blond "old" bionic woman who just ran over Jaime with a semi. Jaime seems a bit vanilla and her BF doctor is also a bit lovey-dovey for my taste. They are having a baby and Jaime appears to be raising her younger sister.

I've been looking forward to this show since forever. I loved Lindsay Wagner as a child. I had the doll and the dog, Max. I tried to convince my dog, Jenny, to be bionic, but she was unwilling to really put that much effort into anything besides laying on the couch. The Bionic Woman was a highlight of my childhood television viewing.

Second segment. I'm mulling over the identity of the actress playing the quasi-evil government chick. Now the evil bionic woman seems to be connected with a mysterious man with a French accent. She's way more interesting than Jaime. Uh oh, Jaime's waking up ... and she's pissed.

Apparently, the anthracites are making her all better. Except for the hysterical screaming and weird glowy germy things crawling through her skin. She's assumed a depressed droop going into commercial.

So far, this feels more like a story about a man who "created" a woman to mimic the woman he loved rather than a woman action hero movie.

Oh, we are back. Blond quasi-evil government woman is reporting to the government big wigs. Oh she's the lady from Third Watch. The big wigs are debating if she can be "used." Apparently, there have been a whole series of Bionic women. And, apparently, the doctor boyfriend is the son of someone we should know. Maybe.

The blond lady from Third Watch is named Ruth and I really like her edgy hair. The evil woman are far more interesting on this show than the men. The Miguel Ferrer character is lecturing the doctor on ethics.

Uh oh, they just realized Jaime can ID the evil bionic woman. Boyfriend is helping her escape. She's untrusting and on the run as she escapes from the government people. Her bionic legs kick in and give us some of the silliest special effects ever. It is like she is flowing. "The illusion of freedom." More like the "delusion of a new Xena."

I'm sort of regretting passing on Criminal Minds for this.

And we're back ... pensive music, Jaime wandering around on rooftops to test her new powers only to be exhilerated when she doesn't fall. Wow. Now her younger sister (budding computer hacker) is pissed -- ah, family turmoil for the superhero. Plus, how long until the computer hacker figures out the bionic thing -- three episodes?

French guy is sitting in a cafe smoking in a non-smoking diner. Now he's forcing a prison guard to help him or Barbara gets it. wtf? The evil bionic woman is named Sarah Corviss. Oh, we just met the doctor's dad. He's in prison and has something to do with Sarah. Now Sarah is hitting on Jaime in a bar. Now Jaime uses her psychedelic eye to look around the room. Jamie has weird buggy eyes when she's playing superwoman. I think Jaime could use a few good cheeseburgers. Maybe a shake.

Here we go with the obligatory woman alone in the alley scene. Sigh. Why, oh why? From "Here baby I've got what you need" to "Please don't kill me." Dear God -- have we left any cliche unturned?

• Motherhood v career -- if you want to be bionic, you can't have the baby and you will forever doubt your ability to successfully parent (in this case, your sister).
• It takes an entire team of men to control one powerful woman. They have to resort to emotional manipulation. It works.
• It is always good girls versus bad girls. Always. Only the men are nuanced (except they really aren't).
• Rain. Post-coital conversation. Blah.
• "Technolory is at the point where science fiction isn't fiction anymore."
• "Welcome to the game."
• "If we do this, we do it on my terms."

Sarah (evil bionic woman" just shot Will (he got to have bionic sex first). Sarah can't shoot the hot Asian guy who was her lover before the French guy (good grief -- doesn't anyone use a name). Jaime is hunting Sarah. Now it is a girl-fight. With cigarettes. Sarah has more bionic guts, but Jaime is a newer model.

This is the worst girl fight ever. And, yes, someone fell through a glass window. They part as respected adversaries. Wanna bet Sarah kidnaps little sis one day soon?

Jaime watches Will drive away in an ambulance. Now she's tough.

Bonus -- Isaiah "Fag" Washington plays a recurring character!

This show is such a trainwreck it makes Linday Wagner's mattress-by-the-numbers infomercials seem downright artistic. Oh, Lindsay!

It almost makes me wish I had cable.